i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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