Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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