I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize