Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
