yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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