I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
