Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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