im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
