The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
