I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
