I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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