He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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