He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
