I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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