he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
