I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
