I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
