I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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