she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize