I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Soap is not a condiment
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Welp...herpes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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