i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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