dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
