he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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