What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
