so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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