I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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