2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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