I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We are two peas in an std pod
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
