I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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