So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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