I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
he's single and there are thong briefs.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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