dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
