fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
