Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He? As in you personified your dick?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
