turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i've created a new STD.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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