I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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