So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize