True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
