someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
