More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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