Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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