i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
