I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize