I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
