Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
