I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
sarcasm needs its own font
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
