drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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