I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
