Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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