I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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