apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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