Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
