there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
