And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
