i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
