I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
