Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
