One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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