the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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