i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
