Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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