so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
