life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize