So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize