I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
