I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
