You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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